03:45 Pamela D. Wilson: Thinking of heaven might be comforting, though, until you try to re-enter the workforce and get a job. Going to the grocery store might be a really fun event for you because you are out of the house. If your hopes, dreams, and goals aren’t taking priority in your life, you need to take a step back and breathe. Adult children caregivers experience a whole range of emotions in the process of working and caring for elderly parents, that feels like a balancing act. PAMELA D. WILSON, MS, BS/BA, NCG, CSA helps caregivers and aging adults solve caregiving problems and manage caregiving needs through online programs, live support groups, and an extensive caregiving library that includes articles, podcasts, videos, and webinars. Are we born with empathetic traits, or is empathy learned? It’s been studied in a number of different relationships, most often between parents who are caregivers and their children who are suffering some sort of chronic illness, maybe diabetes or chronic pain and other illnesses. Strokes can have serious consequences. You may not have any other outlets like exercise, meditation, activities that reduce stress and feeling like sometimes you’re just pushed up against a wall to do everything that you have to get accomplished. But when your parents go, you’re moved up to the front of the line. When, in fact, people are often quite happy to help for nothing and just feel good helping. You can't do this on your own. And so empathy gaps are things that we all experience in all sorts of situations, where we basically struggle to understand what someone else is feeling accurately or how strongly they’re feeling something. For the child of an aging parent, this kind of break can be just what caregivers need. Have a plan in place. When asking strangers, they underestimated by this huge amount. Take small breaks, even if it’s only for 10 or 15 or 20 or 30 minutes. You can invite your family and friends to join us here every Wednesday night on The Caring Generation radio show. Keep the bottle corked, and all that energy will eventually become too intense to hold inside. We’re off to a break. When the health of elderly parents is complicated, sometimes caregivers may visit, leave, and wonder, even if they will see their elderly parent the next day. What are the care preferences? We feel dependent on others and indebted to others. That is no surprise. 02:13 Pamela D. Wilson: She joins us to talk to caregivers about how to ask for help without feeling guilty. These expenses can add up if you aren’t careful, to the point that you go into crippling debt. When your elderly parents need personal care on an ongoing basis, professionals will be helpful. It’s a life choice. That there isn’t enough money to pay for this type of care. So we worry that by asking for help or revealing these vulnerabilities, it’s really awkward and embarrassing. Asking for help and feeling guilty are topics that most caregivers know very well. 55:54 Announcer: Tune in each week for The Caring Generation with host, Pamela D. Wilson. 17:52 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: Sure. It’s also best to leave the care of your elderly parents to professionals if you can’t offer them adequate assistance. So, empathy is certainly associated with all sorts of good things, and most notably, one of those things is helping more. The caregiver gives, and the care receiver receives. 53:03 Pamela D. Wilson: A lot of caregivers ask, why is it that women always have to be the caregivers? Emotions are not "good" or "bad" -- they're just bottled-up energy. And at the same time, you can work on empathy almost like a muscle and grow empathy by developing these skills. You know the show is on Apple Podcast, Google podcast, and others. Helping in ways that I think will be helpful, but the other person didn’t necessarily say that’s what they wanted or necessarily wanted me to help in that particular way. That makes it easy for our mind to go to that dark side of not thinking clearly. All of this contact with others can help us manage through life’s unexpected situations—pursuing education, caregiving education so that you understand the stages of caregiving. When we dwell on negative feelings, we’re the person that gets harmed, not anybody else. She’s going to talk about her research about spousal caregivers and their relationships in the last years of life. How to live through losses? Unfortunately, the short answer is insufficient, as the subject is complex. Commonwise is fully-staffed and prepared to serve new home care clients. We don’t have to do that. Preparing for the health for elderly parents can relieve the stress of working and caring for elderly parents. By Dr. Suzanne Gelb, Ph.D., J.D., Contributor. 24:05 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: So, for example, in some studies that my colleagues and I have done, we had people go out and ask people for favors. When you’re acting as a sole caregiver, you’re often flying by the seat of your pants. I’m your host on The Caring Generation radio show on the BBM Global Network, Channel 100, and TuneIn Radio. A lot of people are now worrying about how they will live and pay their bills. Stay with me. Are you running ragged working and trying to balance care for elderly parents? For caregivers, giving up your life to care for elderly parents builds on personal and caregiving losses. For example, there’s a classic study that was done in nursing homes, where nursing home residents were given a plant. Can you answer the question of what is a DNR? You can go on my website and share that information. How to live through losses that extend beyond caregiving. What it means for us. Ask for the education that you need from your families in the workplace, again, if you have ideas for future programs, you can visit my website, PamelaDWilson.com, click on the contact me button and complete that caregiver survey. A lot of empty nesters were so excited to have their adult children move out of their homes. And what they found was that people who actually had control over the plant themselves had greater well-being because they had this greater sense of control and autonomy. In my years as a care navigator, I met with a lot of elderly parents who were planning for their care. We experience losses in life as a result of a lot of separate and combined events. As the disease progresses, so will the needs of your loved one. 41:13 Pamela D. Wilson: This is Pamela D. Wilson caregiving expert, author, and speaker on The Caring Generation live from the BBM global network, Channel 100, and TuneIn radio. Until women start asking these questions and realizing that they have choices, women will remain that primary caregiver. This is information the healthcare system isn’t going to teach you, and also how to manage through caregiving situations that are frustrating. You can always make a list of knowns and unknowns. A parent who woke up this morning feeling good, may have a fever and be delirious this evening. Joining us is Dr. Vanessa Bohns from the Industrial and Labor Relations School at Cornell University. So as caregivers, we have to find ways to get out of our routine. Click the heart to go to Pamela’s Spreaker podcast page to like and follow the show. 52:12 Pamela D. Wilson: The last insight, insight number seven for giving up your life to care for elderly parents, is to realize that we will all be the age of our parents someday. You’re busy all day, and just when you think you can put your feet up, guess what? The subject of money and financial planning, the cost of caring for elderly parents, they quickly add up. You do not have to worry about the quality of care they are receiving from caregivers. I will include with her permission links to the articles that she’s published. And then you have someone who wants to help. So, it really does seem to be more than just something you’re born with. And they thought if they asked them once for something and they said yes, they’d be more likely to say yes again. If you’re a caregiver, you know how quickly health situations change. More than that, our customer service team is backed by caregiving expertise and understands all that goes into senior care. There are many issues you may have to face while caring for an ageing parent, depending on your circumstances (including how far away you live from the relative you’re caring for). They don’t care about me as much as I thought they did. And we ask them for each person who says no to the favor, how likely do you think they would be to say yes or no to another favor? Be a better caregiver by keeping the following in mind: Have a spiritual outlet. That whole circle-of-life thing isn't just for cartoon lions and gazelles; we humans are bound to it just as firmly. We never know when an unexpected life situation of experiencing a health change or needing care will happen. By shifting your mind to a more calm position, your brain can relax. Deciding If You Can Do It We have to talk about caregiving being a family responsibility and a choice. And don’t forget to take breaks and enjoy your life also, which you can do by getting away for a while. A diagnosis of Alzheimer’s or dementia is life-changing as is any diagnosis of a terminal life-ending disease. Investigate preventative measures. ILR stands for Industrial and Labor Relations. Many variables impact whether a loved one who requires care is eligible for such assistance, and what many people fail to ask, … Many young people, many older people close to retirement, lost their jobs. The first insight is called pain and joy. So when people do say no, it’s more often than not because of circumstances, because they happen to not be able to do something that day. 51:11 Pamela D. Wilson: This is Pamela D. Wilson caregiving expert. As caregivers experience uncertainty, it’s easy to let our emotions to take over our lives. However, you could be taking on too much in the process. You can gain confidence also by participating in online support groups and online caregiver courses. A large number of people find themselves taking on the effort of being the sole caregiver for their parents. Giving up your life to care for elderly parents may also connect to long-standing family conflicts. Honestly, that is a million-dollar question. To download the show so that you can listen anywhere and share it with family, friends, and groups, click on the button (the fourth black button from the left) below that looks like a down arrow. If consumers would participate—the question is, would you? If not, make time for you and your parents to listen to The Caring Generation podcast called What is a DNR? Employers want to keep valuable staff. Your life … The short answer to this question is yes, it is possible. Talk to your employer about how they can help you stay in work. Other than these, you can achieve good standards of elderly care at home by following the below-mentioned ways. How do we know? Elderly parents require some TLC, but you also need to live a life of your own. Whether you need elderly care equipment for an aging parent or elderly care supplies for your nursing home, we have you covered. Giving up your life to care for aging parents may mean that your only focus is working and caring for elderly parents. Daughter puts life on hold for elderly parent. In fact, about 67 percent of bankruptcy situations happen due to medical bills. Caregivers quickly realized that elderly parents haven’t saved. And then there’s these light-hearted stories that people who get lost and don’t ask for help. We’re back to continue our conversation with Dr. Vanessa Bohns from the Industrial and Labor Relations school at Cornell University. © 2019 Commonwealth Care Group LLC. But in fact, what we’ve found is that people who said no the first time, were actually more likely to say yes the second time, because they felt so bad about saying no that first time. This is especially important if your loved ones have serious physical limitations or cognitive issues. 33:42 Pamela D. Wilson: You might relate the present situation to another near disaster that you successfully solved. When caregivers realize that every situation is different, planning for uncertainty becomes a very helpful process while working and caring for elderly parents. And so to answer this question—I think it first helps to step back and define what we mean by empathy. Make sure there’s a plan for you if you are becoming a caregiver for lost income and retirement savings if you’re giving up that job. You want to offer them the best care and assistance possible, but at the same time, you’ve got your own life to live and can only do so much. Also choose not to push down generational caregiving issues within families. If your parent can’t live on their own any longer, will you be caring for them at their home, at your home or will they have to consider moving into sheltered housing or a care home? Family Caregivers and professional caregivers, God bless you all sleep well tonight. There’s research showing that people will suffer bullying for years rather than ask for help. Working and caring for elderly parents, though, runs more smoothly when we talk about care before care is needed. On a similar subject. Is there a way to overcome that belief that somebody is always going to tell us no? Save money to pay for care, and you will sleep easier, and your adult children will thank you. Resentment happens when we replay all these negative feelings. And so, one of the contexts in which we see these empathy gaps are context of helping. And so, it’s a good example of the ways in which our inability to recognize someone else’s motivations and feelings can actually lead us to ask for help in effective ways. 2. It’s totally normal to have them. A big sign that you’re taking on more than you can handle is that you’re not considering your own life anymore. So when we ask for help, we think other people may just do it if there’s something in it for them. More and more older adults, age 60 and older, care for their elderly parents and face physical, emotional and financial stress. The benefit is available only to unmarried caregivers and those who are separated from their spouse. 45:28 Pamela D. Wilson: It can be a struggle for all of us to admit that our habits or behaviors might not be good for us, that we’re afraid to ask other people for help. This is how I create these subjects for all of these radio shows, and a lot of the caregiving courses that I’ve developed, it all comes from the ideas of caregivers. It’s PamelaDWilson.com. So they kind of downplay what we’re asking for—we offer something in exchange. Here are just a few of the things that may affect you from the outset: 1. Elderly parents who told me that their children would gladly accept caregiving responsibilities. In the first part of this program, we talked about pain and joy. You might be able to work part-time, from home or job share. Have your parents created their medical and financial power of attorney documents and a living will? If you’re trying to help your elderly parents on the road to long-term care, ... ensure they are given ample time to get to know each other. The way to a better experience is to create positive family relationships. Some of the services that professionals can offer include feeding your parent, helping with bathing and using the bathroom, providing exercise opportunities, and helping them get dressed. We’ll be right back. And I like thinking about empathy gaps instead of a lack of empty because there isn’t really a negative connotation. 15:04 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: And what it basically is, is stepping in too much so that you’re over-helping or helping in ways that ultimately backfire. Get out and do things that can help us care for ourselves. In the situation today, what’s the cause and effect for elderly parents needing care? 14:00 Pamela D. Wilson: Caregivers tend to be more empathetic and many of them keep doing more and more and more. During this radio program for caregivers, I’ll share seven helpful insights about giving up your life to care for elderly parents. Talking about the realities of giving up a job, working and caring for elderly parents, how children can be affected and ways to ensure that elderly parents get the care they need, these are important things we should talk about. 17:31 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: And those two people are so focused on their own emotions that they have a hard time recognizing what the other person feels, and so they have a hard time asking for help in the most effective way or helping in the most effective way. These parents are becoming caregivers again for their young children. After your time as a caregiver to your parents ends, ask God to give you a sense of peace, knowing that you did all you could to take care of them well. 13:06 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: So, when you think of this kind of definition of empathy, you can certainly imagine certain people who are more likely to display these skills than others. Life can become a bit of a rollercoaster when you have elderly parents to take care of. 27:23 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: Yes, it’s truly astounding the lengths people will go to, and the things they’ll suffer rather than ask for help. Home Care Services Can Look After Specialized Healthcare … 16:15 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: Yes, this is really interesting. Spell that word, is it miscarry, or how would I look that up on the Internet? You're about to be inundated with more than you ever wanted to know about the pitfalls of age and infirmity, and it will help if you can organize the relevant information. Stay with me. It’s likely that people that we get angry with, they aren’t even thinking about whatever happened. 26:05 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: So we tend to feel most comfortable asking friends and family and close others for help. Take a deep breath and realize that you absolutely don’t have to do it all yourself. Live from the BBM Global Network, channel 100, and TuneIn radio. Some of the services that professionals can offer include feeding your parent, helping with bathing and using the bathroom, providing exercise opportunities, and helping them get dressed. When you care for your loved ones, it deepens your relationship with them. Little motivation exists to do anything without encouragement. Those hours, they start small. Working and caring for elderly parents can mean that you rarely get to take a break. The level of care-giving will vary from person to person. I’m Pamela D. Wilson, caregiving author, expert, and speaker. But what that does is that over-burdens the people who said yes the first time—right? That favorite caregiving podcast has an interview with Dr. Mayer Davidson; he’s past President of the American Diabetes Association. As you focus your attention on what you can do and what’s possible, all that uncertainty of caregiving fades. Conversations that build up the expectation that women have to give up their lives to care for elderly parents and raise children—we have to change that. This is Pamela D. Wilson; you are with me on The Caring Generation live from the BBM global network channel 100 and TuneIn radio. You could think of it like that, but it’s basically over-helping. But in fact, in many cases, acquaintances and strangers are willing to go above and beyond and do more for us than we tend to assume. 11:58 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: Yes, this is a really great question, not because it’s kind of philosophically interesting, but because it’s extremely practically important. 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